Dear Diary,

So the deal is I’ve been trying to write this post for months, I just have not known how to go about it, what would be too personal to put in, or what I even wanted to say. I am probably still not ready, but here goes anyway. Let me start by saying I’m sorry for keeping you in the dark for so long, but these past couple months I have been all over the place. It started with the ultimate ending to my ever-demising relationship. That is a sad sentence, but it is true. Without going into too much detail about my love life, I will just say that my 4-year relationship came to a halt when I found out my partner had cheated on me, not from him, but from some of my best friends, a scenario I was all too familiar with. Before you go to casting him as the super-villain, remember that although he did something terrible with little regard for the person he was hurting, he is human and people make mistakes. That being said I know my worth (somewhat) and I know that I do not deserve nor want to be with someone who lies to and betrays me. This event has resulted in an internal battle that has taken my focus away from a lot. The first couple weeks were the worst, but I was able to find distractions (healthy or unhealthy) that worked for me. The thoughts about that night and all of the what if’s haven’t gone and I don’t expect them to anytime soon. I’m not asking for pity, but I can tell you that this has been one of if not the most difficult things I have yet to experience. I can also tell you that I have learned and experienced a lot in this time period. For one, I have learned just how important it is to lean on your friends and life-lines when you need them. For so long I have gone on thinking I was bothering/bugging my friends when I brought up my mundane problems or things I have been worrying about. I also was not sure how they would react to some of the more personal and controversial things I was dealing with, but the truth is you have to be able to have people in your life that you can talk to and come to with anything, and if you don’t think you have those people, chances are you probably do, and you won’t know until you try. Over time you will learn who you are comfortable telling things to and who you aren’t, and that’s ok, that doesn’t make you any less of a friend if you keep some things to yourself, but it doesn’t make you less of a friend if you don’t either. Again, chances are your friends want you to confide in them. and want to be there for you, and yes I’m talking to you fellas out there too. Often times what I have seen is guys put on this show for each other and don’t know when to get serious, but when you let that side of you show unless they are a shitty person, they will respect that and reciprocate. Something else I have learned is that humans are incredibly resilient, and we can get through a lot more than we ever thought we could. I know that doesn’t mean much coming from someone who is just coming out of a breakup, no one died, and I know that, but the loss of a relationship still comes with a lot of grief and heartache. A breakup I did not want nor saw coming, attached to a scandal I had feared throughout the four years of the relationship, possibly my greatest and most relevant fear, something I never thought I could endure, especially in the state I was in. However; here I am, and I wouldn’t say I’m thriving per say, but I pick myself up every day and am actually not as much of a mope as I was last semester. My point in saying all of this is to express that change is inevitable and we have to accept when things go wrong, and we have to find any way possible to move forward when our biggest fears become our realities. I want to take this time to single out a couple of my favorite quotes that I have deemed applicable. The first is “I’m afraid of everything. But maybe when you’re afraid of everything, it sort of seems like you’re scared of nothing.” – Natalie Portman. This quote just makes me think. If I can be realistic about life, recognize that change is inevitable and that I am resilient, then that takes away the greatest fear of all. Yes, change is scary, so is death, and heartbreak, and loss of all kinds, and it is ok to fear it, but if we know that we can come out on the other side, it’s a little bit less scary. That’s at least how I look at it. Things can be really really bad, but eventually, you will learn to cope, or it will pass. Something silly I heard from my yoga teacher today was that we are the sky, and our emotions are just the weather. So, of course, I sat there in awe, thinking about the rain being the sadness and even a long terrible storm has to pass eventually. A clear blue sky is clarity and relief and happiness, and clouds will come and go but the sun is here to stay, and will always be there, even if you can’t see it some days and it’s hidden by all the weather. Just food for thought. I hope it helps give one other person perspective.

One of the most beautiful speeches I’ve ever had the pleasure of being present for was the one my Grandpa gave at my Grandma’s funeral, not to be dark but it’s true. A few things he said that stuck out to me were about how my Grandma was an absolute social butterfly that hosted extravagant parties and made him put on a tuxedo for them, and how he always hated it because he was such an introvert and always the quiet tech guy. Then he went on to say how he never thought he would miss wearing that tuxedo, or hosting those parties. He also told a story about how when he was traveling the world on one of the biking trips he had gotten really sick, so he knew he just needed to get home so that she could take care of him so that she could save him, that she always saved him. Then followed that by saying when she got sick and needed him to take care of her, he couldn’t save her. He said this all without shedding a tear, while I’m in the second row balling my eyes out of course, and if you know anything about my Grandpa you know how unemotional the man is, so hearing these words and realizing the pain he was feeling was ridiculously emotional for me. He remained so elegant and composed in a time of such sorrow, such grief. I don’t even know if it has any direct relevance to me at this time right now, but I was thinking about it and just how even in life’s darkest moments there is beauty, (I said that before and I’ll say it again) so that is kind of my new motto now I guess.

Again, I stopped and started this post like maybe 400 times, so the fluidity sucks and I still refuse to read it back through.

Alright, I’ve been nursing this piece for too damn long now I’m just going to bite the bullet and post it, if I take it down later, well whatever. Isn’t it ironic that I’m posting this on the day that would have been my 4-year (relationship) anniversary?

One thought on “Dear Diary,

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