Vulnerable

So this is going to be a hard post to write.

I’ll go back and edit it later, maybe?

You know the game most likely to? Yeah, my friends literally unanimously chose me when the:’ discover the “meaning of life” everyday ‘ card came up.

Why am I CONSTANTLY trying to figure out who I am, what my purpose is, or what everything means? Maybe it’s because I don’t know yet, but does anyone?  The other day I tried to put myself into a sentence and this is what I came up with.

I have a hippie soul, a stubborn disposition, a fiery temper, a shy ego and a bold heart hindered by a cautious mind.

Ill let you break that down how you want. Sittin’ here overthinking, evaluating, and reflecting on a lot tonight.

I finally had that crash, that moment that I’ve been dreading. That “look down at his sweatshirt on the floor, while every word of the song you’re listening to hits home” kinda feeling. When suppressing your emotions just does not work anymore and you immediately feel all the weight you’ve been pretending wasn’t there all this time. Now you’re alone in your room with the ghost of the relationship that ended four months ago. The floodgates have opened once and for all and you just let the water take you, and while your room fills with water and you’re trapped beneath the surface, you think about all the chances you had to avoid it. When it feels like you’re about to give up and let the water fill your lungs you remember there’s a drain, and it was there all along, you just had to unplug it. So you let the tears fall and you rely on those amazing friends who’ve gotten you this far for that absolutely unwavering support to get you back to yourself, and you remember that it’s going to be ok and that you will heal. Yeah, that’s where I was tonight.

I’m done tip-toeing around names and sensitive topics in this blog, I do it for myself and I shouldn’t have reservations or be holding back when wanting to say the word fuck. Ah, that felt good, fuck. I’m sorry I’m not perfect mom and dad. I’m sorry I have tattoos and drink or smoke or curse sometimes, I know you don’t like it. But it feels so much better to live my life being exactly who I am. I know you want the best for me I know you’re just worried about me getting a job and being happy and successful.

I think I question, evaluate and reflect so often when I forget what makes me happy or forget what makes me, me. Because I’m busy being too careful not to offend anyone else or do the wrong thing.

In this life I hardly know anything for sure but one of the things I DO know is that I want to be fucking happy, I want to fill my life with moments of pure bliss like the ones I get spending real quality time with friends who really deeply care about me, or getting to travel and see new places, or finding the things that light me up like a good book or crystals and buying new cards to write. I know I probably say this all the time and am beating a dead horse, but maybe writing it is just another way to remind myself. It’s okay to be who I am, the rest will follow.

Something else I have thought about recently is that we are made to make mistakes, how are we ever going to learn and grow without making mistakes? If we are protected our whole lives and kept in a bubble then we will never learn to be free or how to navigate life on our own. I have lived my life being really freaking hard on myself (for reasons I’d really only get into with a therapist) but I’m learning every day how much better it feels to try and love and embrace myself, quirks and all. It is REALLY, really hard, but I am trying. We really do not know what people are battling with internally. We do not know if what we are saying will have some kind of profound effect on someone one day. Take that as you will, but it feels so much better to fill the world with love and warmth than it does to take out your inner struggles on the outside world with hate and anger and sadness, I promise.

Maybe no one will ever read this but I hope one day when I forget these things (which will likely be in the near future) I can remind myself once again that life is worth living, and there are ways to live it even better if you just have the right mindset.

So now it’s 1:00 am and I need to wake up early for therapy tomorrow (ironic, and that’s right, no more secrets, I go to therapy) and so I will start the process of self-medicating to put myself to bed (don’t worry it’s only Melatonin, Benadryl, etc).  I will put on my Chainsmokers vinyl and light a candle and read a few poems from Pillow Thoughts and thank god for the amazing people he has let into my life.

My A.D.D is ever so evident in this post due to the jumping around but its ok, because like I said, it’s me, and I really need to stop apologizing for it.

 

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