It seems that the people I am close to are going through a lot right now. The people I love and care about are hurting, and those of you who truly love or care about someone else know that there is nothing worse than knowing this person that you love is in pain and there is not much/nothing you can do to take that pain away. This post is for all of you.
So you’re feeling down, like really really down, like not sure why you’re still trying anymore kinda down. You might be thinking what’s the point. Well, I have something to tell you.
It may or may not help you, because just because one thing works for one person doesn’t mean it will work for someone else. But just the fact that it worked for me and it could work for someone else out there who might read this one day is motivating enough for me to write it.
I’m about to combine the three articles that have been sitting in limbo because I realize they all have a common theme.
I’m going to give my piece(s) of advice in the form of a dialogue in order to be my own devil’s advocate.
- YOU are worthy of love and respect, from others and from yourself. Yes, You! Read new books, books with fantasies of yours, self- help books, relatable books! Watch new movies, maybe inspiring, critically acclaimed ones! Art is your best friend, and I don’t just mean paintings- however, maybe it is for you! I mean literally any type of expression that works for you. Whether it is reading a certain series of poems you might like, subscribing to a youtube channel that you enjoy, keeping up with blogs of a favorite blogger, attending an expressive dance class, listening to a musical artist or album/song that you relate to, whatever it may be for you. Find your expression. Try something new. Maybe devote yourself to giving back, dive deep into your religion/or exploring a new religion, train for a marathon, take a pottery class. This is what life is all about, finding parts of you in bigger parts of the world and life.
- “I’ve tried it all, nothing works for me.”
- No, you’re just not motivated enough, you’re using your negative mindset as an excuse. Sorry to be so harsh, but this is the ugly truth. There is so much more out there that you have yet to try, that you probably aren’t giving a chance. My advice to you is to find something that motivates you to actually want to turn your life around, not just saying you want to. There is a difference in saying you want something and actually wanting it enough to make it happen. So make it happen and stop feeling bad for yourself. You can be your own worst enemy or your best friend. I have been both, and trust me it is much better the be the best friend than the worst enemy. Be your best friend, give yourself that chance to come out of this dark time. Suicide does not guarantee it will not get worse, it just guarantees it will never get better. You will be hurting so many people by taking yourself off this earth and I beg you to reconsider. Give yourself one last chance, put everything that you have left in the tank into this last chance. Don’t give up, I promise you will find the balance that you have been looking for.
- “I don’t even want to anymore, I just am not capable.”
- You CAN do it. You ARE capable. I know this to be true, it is in you, you just haven’t found the thing that works yet. The world has so much to offer that you do not want to miss out on, people you have yet to meet, experiences you have yet to have, and places you have yet to go. Something that I read just today from one of my favorite authors said:
“You Can’t Skip Chapters That’s Not How Life Works. You Have to Read Every Line Meet Every Character. You Won’t Enjoy All of It. Hell, Some Chapters Will Make You Cry for Weeks. You Will Read Things You Don’t Want to Read, You Will Have Moments When You Don’t Want the Pages to End. But You Have to Keep Going. Stories Keep the World Revolving. Live Yours, Don’t Miss Out.” – Courtney Peppernell. Point is, there’s a reason for this dark time, no matter how unfair that may feel, or how shitty that is or sounds, but you will come out stronger and know yourself better than you ever did before. This is your life, your book, and there are no rules on how to handle situations like this. Some people find solace in the fact that they are not alone in feeling these things. For me personally, I never really understood that until recently. I did not get why that mattered. I now am so grateful for this concept of knowing that other people have gone through the same things that I have and have come out on the other end to be happy and successful. I enjoy knowing that I’m not crazy, I’m not making this up, there are people feeling these same things. Maybe the answer for you is seeing a therapist or finding a doctor that can help you understand what you are experiencing, maybe there is a medicine out there for you, maybe you don’t want to take that route and that is okay too. There is nothing wrong with looking for help or leaning on people to get you healthy again when you are in a time of need. You are deserving of help and you are deserving of allowing yourself to acknowledge that yes, you are depressed, or yes you need something to change in your life, it is ok, to accept this.
- “You don’t understand, you don’t know my life.”
- Maybe true. I do know my life and experiences, and I have watched several loved ones go through trauma and depression and dark times alike, and I may be young but I know that we are not alone in what we experience. No matter how dark it can get, there is a light on the other side. I can promise this, you are in control of your own fate and people have gotten through worse than what you are going through right now. It could always be worse. I urge you to realize that what you are going through is 100% real and you need to feel the things that you do not want to feel. Keeping it bottled up is no solution. Put pettiness, judgment, and worry aside when caring for yourself. Those grudges don’t have a purpose in your life anymore, they are an unnecessary weight on you and letting go of one ounce of negativity at a time will help release you into the best form of yourself. I know that you are going through something and that you are looking for answers. I hope you find those answers. I hope I can help you find them.
- “If I can’t have them, what’s the point”
- Listen, I know I don’t know this person, but if there is one thing I know, it’s that you do not need them to be happy, or to be you. Maybe they’re bad for you, maybe they’re not, but even if I tried to convince you they are in fact bad for you, you could come back at me with a million reasons they are not. The truth is, we rely on other people too much to create happiness for us. If we put so much on others in this regard, we are setting ourselves up for disaster. We can only ever let love in when we are 100% in love with ourselves first. I am NOT there yet and am nowhere near ready to be in another relationship. If you still love this other person more than yourself, then that is the first mountain you have to climb. All that energy that you spent/spend loving them deserves to go to you now. Spend time finding ways to love yourself. Do not focus on your flaws, focus on the amazing parts of yourself. Before you say it’s nothing, just know that I’m going to come back at you with a big ole’ ” BULLSHIT.” There is so much to love about yourself. Spend time learning your favorite parts about yourself. Make a list, look in the mirror and tell yourself you love yourself, sounds silly but for some people, it works wonders. Say it until you believe it yourself, even if you don’t yet. You don’t need this person to be happy, you can be happy, even happier without them. You spent so long convincing yourself that you needed them to be happy, now spend the time unconvincing yourself of that, because it isn’t true. Take some long deep breaths and know that you CAN do this, you can get through this and there is a point. There comes a point where you need to look out for yourself above all else, the people who truly care about you will understand if you take some space for a little to work on yourself.
- Lastly, somebody cares about you, so so deeply. I promise, you have an effect on people and you can not forget that. EVERYONE makes mistakes. You are allowed to feel guilt, sadness and resent for those mistakes, but that does not make you a bad person. You have to remember that God loves and forgives every single one of us. I say the word “God” lightly. Religion is a tricky thing. Whatever your “religion” might be, whatever your higher power is, whatever you choose to believe in, just know that you are a part of this world to leave your mark, and live your life out. You have a purpose and a reason to be here, if you are confused on what that is right now, then you are in store for an exciting ride of figuring that out. Never give up on yourself, that is the biggest mistake you could make. Some of us are really good at giving advice to our friends and family, but not so good at taking our own advice when the time comes. An exercise I do with my therapist is what would you say to your friend going through what you are right now, you would not be so hard on them as you would on yourself. Show yourself the same compassion you would show your loved ones.
Even if you are not personally going through something like this, please know that chances are, someone you know is, or someone you pass in the subway is, or maybe it’s your waitress at dinner. So please, please be kind to everyone and keep this in mind. Unfortunately, there are always going to be people that put negativity out there, you can only control yourself, so just please choose not to be one of those people. Also remember that even if someone means very little to you, you might mean a great deal to them. Everyone’s lives matter. That person you just insulted is someone’s daughter, best friend, brother, wife, etc, and they matter to someone, don’t be the “straw that broke the camel’s back.” You just never know what is going on in someone else’s life.
I also urge you to put time into yourself these upcoming months whether you are going through something or not, or reach out to someone who might be going through this. Check on your loved ones and let them know you care about them. If there is one word or line in this post that resonates with you then write it down and remember it. You are important, there is always a way out of the darkness, and unfortunately, there is a reason for that darkness too. You have so much ahead of you, never give up, you don’t deserve that.