Here I was in the middle of writing an “uplifting” post about how “powerful” it is to not care about what other people think, and I hit an absolute road block. I began to get so frustrated that I can’t even take my own fucking advice. Funny how one day you can feel so loved and embraced by the world and the next you can feel so much hate and resentment towards yourself. I can’t thank you all enough for the out pour love I received when sharing my last post the other day. I also can’t tell you how scared and vulnerable I felt in doing that, but it made me feel so good hearing so many people say that they get it. And for some reason as I sat down to write today it was like a switch flipped inside me. A little voice was saying “What, just because you wrote one article that people resonated with, now you think you’re some inspiring guru” or “You are such a know-it-all.” I wanted to rip back every word I had just written and turn off the light that is society and crawl into my little dark hole and pretend I never said a word. Then I have to remember that I shared that post for a reason, and people like you commented and reached out for a reason. Let me tell you it’s not always easy to put yourself out there and be vulnerable, i’m not asking for sympathy… See even THAT there is right there is me caring about what you think, me caring about how my words might make you feel negatively about me. I’m so frustrated today because I don’t listen to my own advice. I say “don’t be so hard on yourself, and show yourself compassion” yet here I am today and all I want to do is launch my computer out the window and pout about how I am the worst writer, most annoying friend, terrible daughter and just sink my head under the bath water and just never come up. I realize I feel this way for a reason, I feel compelled to write about it because it just goes to show that one day you could be feel so empowered, and the next feel as little as you’ve ever felt. So please bear with me as I type these lines and then erase them, as I put up my Instagram story questions and then I delete them because I’m worried that someone’s judging me or laughing at me. As Part of me wants to blame society and mental illness and beauty norms and the stupid culture of social media that grew up in, I’m not gonna blame anything because there’s nothing to blame. Unfortunately these moments are parts of life and that is just as important to know as everything else I’ve ever said in here that I’ve wanted you to listen to. I know I act so strong but even when you feel your strongest there will be days that will make you remember the times you were once so weak. We’re all human, we are all part of this ride. Some people might get what I’m talking about right now, some people might not. That’s ok. I do really need to do better at just being myself and not caring who knows it because that’s what’s getting to me the most these days and that is the cardinal rule that will allow me to live my life most happily. I want to be strong for you I want to be strong for me I want to be strong for those people that need me but it’s OK to get frustrated and down on yourself sometimes as long as you have the tools to remember how to bring yourself back up. Which is exactly what I have to do now. I’m taking another chance by being vulnerable because I realize that is why I write these things, I write them because it allows people in, it DOES allow people to see me for who I am and allows me to see it myself when I need a reminder. Looking for outside validation will get me nowhere, even though sometimes I can’t help it. I’m still trying to figure this out just like the rest of us. I sure as fuck know that if it were one of my best friends writing this article I would tell them to stop doubting themselves, they are not a terrible writer, annoying friend, bad daughter, and they need to go back to that first post and stop worrying about the trolls. I wish I could shake this feeling, but sometimes I guess we can’t escape it.
Listen you are going to have some people that are going to like you, and some people that are not going to like you, regardless of what you do or how you choose to live your life. So wouldn’t you rather have some people that don’t like you when you’re being yourself and doing what makes you happy? Or would you rather have some people not like you when you’re pretending to be someone you think they want you to be? Doing things that don’t really make you happy? If you ask me, I’ll take doing what makes me happy, because the people that like you then are the people you want to be with anyway. I’ve been meaning to write about that for so long. It took my amazing support system to give me the courage to write this, so thank you for that. One day at a time, one step at a time, we are all just working on becoming our best selves.
I think it took writing this post for me to feel a little bit better about the skin I’m in. Just had a momentary lapse, and guess what, that’s ok! Guess what else?? I’m going to post that freaking hakuna matata post and it’s going to inspire myself so stay tuned.