I’m sorry I’ve let you down. I’m sorry I haven’t been taking care of you. I promise I’m going to start trying a lot harder.
One thing that becomes more clear to me everyday is that life is hard. It’s really effing hard. But regardless of how tough it gets, I promise to never give up on you. Because you are worth it.
I know your job is really tough right now. I know that you’re putting so much of yourself into it and feeling a little out of control. I know your best friend at work is leaving and you’re going to miss her so much. You’re going to miss filling each other in on your stories from the nights and weekends. You’re going to miss bonding over your shared passions and planning what horror movie or new TV series you’re going to watch next. You’re going to miss not being able to ask her stupid work questions that you don’t feel comfortable asking anyone else. You’re going to miss being able to laugh, commiserate and cry with her over your stressful days. You’re really, really going to miss her, but she’ll just be around the corner. You can still get your chicken over rice together and go to the crystal shop every now and then. You’re also going to be really proud to watch her flourish at her new job. I know you already are proud of her, just for taking the initiative to better her life and her career. I know you really admire that and the way she’s handling it. Even when she leaves, you’ll still be able to fill her in on work and life. She gets it better than anyone. I know you feel alone. I know the work load is getting out of control and we both know it’s going to get worse, but I need to tell you something that you never tell yourself enough. You’re doing a great job, I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you are. You are learning so much. Having gone through something like this you will be prepared for the many different workplace hardships that will come your way in the future. What you’re doing isn’t easy, and it’s okay to be overwhelmed and sad, all I ask is that you give yourself the patience and kindness that you would give your loved ones. Take it day by day and it is going to be ok, you’re only going to grow. If you need to take action, then do so. The only way anything is going to change is if you figure out how to change it. So talk to whoever you need to. Don’t be afraid of confrontation.
You also need to stand up for yourself more. I know you don’t want to come off bitchy or anything like that, but you pride yourself on being a person with passions and warmth, so stand up for those things and that part of you when people decide to put you down or over look you. Hold yourself and others accountable. Stop letting your “friends” take advantage of you. They’re not a friend if they only take energy out of you and provide you with nothing back. People should only remain in our lives if they deserve to be there. Reassess and regroup. Letting go of any friendship has been something you are truly not very good at, and never have been. I know you typically avoid conflict until it’s staring at you in the face and there’s nowhere to go, but sometimes standing up for yourself takes conflict and discomfort. Don’t shy away, don’t back down, don’t let people think it’s okay to treat you shitty. You know just how important it is to stand up for what you believe in, and you should believe in yourself. You deserve that and you need that. This is not to say that you can’t let things go from time to time and we both know you will anyway, but pick your battles,. You know your values and what is important to you. You have just been spreading yourself so thin trying to be a good friend to everyone else, I think it’s time to be a good friend to yourself for once, because sometimes you’re the only person that will stand up for you. You have spent so much of your life letting some people walk all over you because you’d rather allow that then cause further discomfort by saying/doing something. The low self esteem that you are very much aware of doesn’t just come from those crappy circumstances and you upbringing. The real reason your confidence is so low is because you let it get that way. From a young age you let people treat you unfairly because it allowed you to fit in better, but now you know better, and you’re still allowing it. That needs to change, Megan. You need to actively take on this role, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel. Where is the girl who isn’t afraid to be herself, who wants to be the badass she’s always dreamed of being? Don’t keep her in the back of your mind, and stop worrying so much about others because you think it’s “the right thing to do.” Take a stand for yourself. No matter the person or situation, because if someone is mistreating you and you don’t stop it, it will create a never-ending domino effect. So be your own hero, because no one is going to swoop in and save you from your own bad choices. That doesn’t mean neglecting others either, it just means start making yourself a priority. You can’t rely on others to get you through everything, but you also can’t rely solely on yourself either because you will go crazy. That’s why it’s important to develop and nurture meaningful relationships with people you feel you can count on. Change your circumstances, you’re the only one who has the power. This is your life, you choose the rules, you choose the ending. You are capable, you are strong, and you can do this. Dig deep.
I wanted to write more but I’m in a mood, so that’s all I have to say right now.
I’m sure I’ll write back soon, hopefully something will have changed.